The Retail Managers Day-Off

As aforementioned, today is my day off. I have (normally) Friday and Saturday off. This sounds good and usually it is, plus a late start on Sunday means that I can go out on Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night to spend some of the hundreds of thousands of dollars that I earn each year.

In my dreams.

Here is my typical day off...

09:00 Alarm rings

13:00 Consider getting out of bed

13:45-14:15 Actually get out of bed

14:16 Check my bit torrents

14:25 Gather enough courage to open the door

14:30 Go through the door

14:45 Drink my first liquids and have a smoke

15:00 Wonder what I am going to do

15:01 Remember everything that I have not finished during the week...

15:02 Contemplate going back to bed

15:30 Recheck my bit torrents and check my emails (personal and work)

16:00 Do the dishes

16:30 Look for food

17:00 Still look for food

18:00 Give up and go to the bottle store

18:01 Buy two bottles of Red Wine, usually Shiraz and Cab Merlot

18:02 Constantly think how small changes in business practice could double the turnover of the small bottle store that I am standing in.

18:03 Force myself not to think about improving any business practice.

18:15 Open a bottle and start drinking.

18:30 Start listening to some trance. Yes, trance.

19:00 Start looking for food again.

19:30 Call work and ask for a sales update

20:00 Give in and order Hell Pizza because it is good and they got the marketing right on their service. Every box turns in to a coffin. Of course you knew that, each box also has a token on it, you may want to keep them.

21:00 Eat Pizza

22:00 Start surfing the net, and watching DVDs.

22:30 My first wine inspired text messages start being sent...

This would be a fairly typical day off, I cannot stop thinking about work. In saying that however, I haven't had a day off for around a month now. So when I do, it's like that.

Peace.

The Day of the Sword: Digressions in Rugby

Allow me this opportunity to say "Go the Crusaders".

And also, good luck and thanks to the lions.

The Lions have balls, 'balls' in Japanese coincedentally is 'Kintama'.

The Holy Queen Mary 2

Look at this. The Queen Mary 2. This is currently berthed (Is that the right word?) across from my shop. The passanger capacity is 3,090 with a crew compliment of 1,254.

A phone call to my store (You see I am on days off) confirms that the city of Auckland is buzzing hardcore. There are three other events happening today so there a gozillions of people walking about. And guess what... we are not busy.

Fingers crossed that toward the later afternoon and early evening we will capitilise better.

Peace.

Want to know more? Click here.

SPAMMED! The Retail Managers Reply 2

Date of birth: 28th April 1979
State of origin: Auckland
Occupation: Retail Manager
Age 28
Full contact address 98 Fellatio Ave
Private Telephone Number 0061.9.689.5597
Fax: N/A
Email acaciarising@gmail.com
ATTENTION : Mr Nicolas Okoh ,

Dear sir, Application as next of kin to holder of consignment (BTSS 00457112 FSTG) I, Mr XXXX XXXXXXXX ,of 98 Fellatio Ave humbly applies today the 17th February 2007, as next of kin to your deceased customer Late Engr P.A XXXXXXXX. I humbly apply putting claim over his Consignment with Code Number BTSS 00457112 FSTG)left with Security Company containing Alluvial Gold Dust of 250kgI also wish my application will be given an urgent attention as I wish this consignment be released and delivered to me in my country.Accept myapologies for the late application.Thanks .

Your's Faithfully,
XXXX XXXXXXXX

SPAMMED! The Barristers Reply 2

Dear XXXX XXXXXXXX,

I really appreciate your quick response to my message to you. Well as you requested, I want you to know that the next step and the most important part to proceed for the claim of the consignment is for you to contact the Security Company here where the Alluvial Gold Dust of 250kg was deposited as a consignment by my late client Mr P.A.XXXXXXXX.

1. I bet you appreciate my quick response matey!

You will have to contact the Security Company immediately by submitting an application as the next of kin to Late Mr Patrick Apineru XXXXXXXX, demanding for the immediate release and deliver of the consignment to your door step in New Zealand as the next of kin.

Like I told you in my first message to you, be rest assured that all the necessary information's that will authenticate your claim of ownership as the next of kin is all in tact with me here which I will provide to you upon the request by the Security Company so you have nothing to worry about that as far as I am concern. Therefore, to proceed ahead for the claim what you need to do is fill the below text of application with your personal information's and send the application to the Security Company with the email address of the Company or fax number provided in the application.

Kindly send the application to the Security Company as soon as you receive this message. I await your response when you get this mail.

Yours Barrister Dumeje Ugoh

*******************************************************************************
HERE IS THE CONTACT INFO OF THE SECURITY COMPANY TOPCLASS SECURITY COMPANY
Address: AVENUE MGR ISIDORE DE SOUZA 41 BLVD DU MONGOLOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO
Tel:00228 922 14 08
Fax:00228-221-83 59
Email: topclass@deliveryman.com
CONTACT PERSON (Mr Nicolas Okoh)

Date of birth.........................
State of origin...............................
Occupation...........................
Age..................................
Full contact address..............................
Private Telephone Number.............
Fax Number...............................
Email................................

ATTENTION : Mr Nicolas Okoh ,Dear sir,Application as next of kin to holder of consignment (BTSS 00457112 FSTG)I,Mr.......(Yourname)............................., of...........(address)..........humbly applies today the .....(date)........as next of kin to your deceased customer Late Engr P.A XXXXXXXX.

I humbly apply putting claim over his Consignment with Code Number BTSS00457112 FSTG)left with Security Company containing Alluvial Gold Dust of250kg I also wish my application will be given an urgent attention as I wish this consignment be released and delivered to me in my country. Accept my apologies for the late application. Thanks .

Yours Faithfully,
..........Your name


OK, time to fill out the application and send it off! No I am not going to use my real details! That's asking for identification theft. What I will do however is send through some bogus details and ask about opportunities for opening retail stores in Togo.

SPAMMED! The Retail Managers Reply 2

Here is my second reply...

Mr Ugoh

My cousin Patrick left New Zealand for Australia around 2000. I remember this because he left right after my graduation from business school and I deperately wished he was there. If we are talking about the same person that is, he then went to Sydney in Australia for gold mining. This would make sense for the gold business in your part of the world. I am finding it difficult to reconcile my feelings about this. Patrick was my mentor I am devastated to hear of him like this. What is the next step.

regards

XXXX XXXXXXXX.

SPAMMED! The Barristers Reply 1

Dear XXXX XXXXXXXX,


Thanks for your mail. I don't know if we are talking about the same patrick but my late client is Patrick Apineru XXXXXXXX and if he his missing since 2005 or you have not heard from him since 2005 when the political crisis took place here in my country then you know we are talking of the sameperson. So do get back to me so that I can give you the necessary details for the claim of this consignment .

1. Of course we are not talking about the same person, Patrick is not real. Like yourself mister barrister.

Yours Barrister Dumeje Ugoh

Oh yeah, the hook is baited and waiting. I am going to reply to this and try and establish more details about Mr Patty Apineru...

SPAMMED! The Retail Managers Reply 1

Are you patricks barrister?

I have not heard from him in a long time, are you sure that we are thinking of the same person?

Are you sure?

Regards

XXXX XXXXXXXX.

SPAMMED!

Once again, upon checking my gmail account, I keep getting hit by one of those idiots claiming that my long lost relative has been killed amid turmoil and that there is an account with about 2 billion US dollars waiting for me to claim.

Last night I decided to reply.

Here is the original email, and by the way, IF THIS IS LEGIT - I'LL GIVE TEN MILLION DOLLARS US WORTH OF CASH TO ONE OF YOU.

No Shit.

Understand also that this is a common scam that has happened to many others. One famous story involved someone who ripped off a scammer. I will attempt to do the same.

Anyways... here it is with my thoughts...

Barrister Dumeje Ugohof
Ugoh Chambers & Associates
No 16 Amannachi Nkwoala AveLome
Republic Of Togo
Tel-00228-922-1214.

ATTN: XXXX XXXXXXXX,

I am Barrister Ibro Atte a solicitor at law and a personal attorney to LateMR P. A.XXXXXXXX,a commercial Businessman In Alluvial Gold dust within andoutside Africa Continent who resides here in my Country Lome-Republic Of Togo.

1. Your name is different to the one at the top of the page you idiot. All Rip-off Merchants take note please.

My late client lost his life in the hands of angry mob youths who was protesting against the new elected President in the last political crisis that took place here in Lome-Republic Of Togo on the 24th of April 2005 while returning from France Paris in one of his Business trips. The angry mob protesting youths engage the car that was conveying my late client to his house and burned the car down along with his personal driver and there remains was burnt beyond recognition.

1. "the youths 'were' protesting", not 'was' protesting.

2. I'd also add a comma after France. 10 points for the capitilisation of France and Paris as they are Pronouns.

3. 'Angry mob protesting youths'?, tsk tsk tsk, clearly an incorrect use of adjectives and verbs

4. Cars are not burnt down, buildings are burnt down.

5. How'd you identify him then if he was burnt beyond recognition? That's right, he's fictitious!

Before the cruel Death of my late client he deposited a consignment with a security company ( Top Class Security Company) here in Lome - Togo Republic, containing Alluvial Gold Dust of 250kg valued at $1.875.000.000 USD. As his personal attoney I was privilege to witness the day he made the deposit of this consignment with the security company here In Lome-Republic Of Togo In which Duplicate of all the relevant documents are intact with me here. Since then I have made several enquiries to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has proved unsuccessfull.

1. 'Top Class Security Company'? - Fuck off man, can't you be more creative? How about 'Logo Security Internationale' - They speak French there that is why i put an -e on the end...cool huh. Could have even put an accute-accent on the -e!

2. 1.875 Billion! I will buy the following:

Shahinian Diapason Ensemble Speakers

This Audiophile Turntable

Qualia 10

This crazy shit for my cat!

I have contacted you to assist in the claim of this consignment and for you to find a lucrative buyer of this Alluvial gold Dust as I did not have much knowlegde about Gold Materials.

The Director of the security company contacted me recently and asked that I, as the attorney Of the Death person should present either his cousins or any of his extended relatives so that they will release the consignment he deposited in their custody to them.Ever since then, I have made several attempts to locate any of his cousinsor relative so that they will come forward and put a claims to the said consignment but unfortunately, I discovered that in all his files with my chambers, he never metioned having any relatives nor wife.

1. He never mentioned it because he does not exist you tosser. Therefore, I am writing to you and to have you presented to the securitycompany for the claim of this consignment containing Allvial Gold dust valued at $1.875.000.000 USD.

1. 1.875 Billion, wicked that would be nice. I could do good in the world with that much stashed away. I would help the SPCA, but only after I purchased my speakers and turntable - yes, I am shallow.

Kindly let me know If you are willing and capable of handling this transaction to give you all the necessary information for the claim of this consignment.

1. Fucking hoath I am willing to handle that transaction - just wish it was real.

Barrister Dumeje Ugoh Esq.

Principal Attorney.

Tel-(00228-922-1214 )

Some quickies on accountants...

"Never call an accountant a credit to his profession; a good accountant is a debit to his profession.”

"An accountant is a man who watches the battle from the safety of the hills and then comes down to bayonet the wounded”

“A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant”

“An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing”

Desperation? No! Entrepreneurial skills!

Today, I sold some store chattels to a customer.

What are chattels I hear you ask?

The word Chattel is a term meaning "personal property".

Your fixtures and glass shelving, store props etc are chattels.

Well today, I sold one.

It was a piece of 'Greenstone' - well, a display item, not shaped... just a cut off that was not suitable to be carved.

The customer loved it.

So much infact, that they shed $50.00 for it.

Now a similar carved piece would have set them back $500.00-$600.00.

I won and the customer won.

In order to process this payment, I had to create a store code, this involved entering a cost price. Since we had not paid for this item originally it was fairly difficult to come up with an objective cost price.

So I settled on $1.00.

My retail was set at $50.00, and today's store profitability shot through the roof.

Similar to booking in stock at no cost price.

Please understand that this is not a common nor entirely useful practice.

Although it looks good on the books.

My Competition

I thought you might like to see the leader of one of the competitors, here she is, and at her request.

Evil isn't she.

Invaded and Violated

Well, I finish my never ending story post and go to bed.

60 minutes later I receive a phone call on my cell.

It is the alarm monitoring service.

Someone has broken in to my shop.

No fucking way. I've been sleeping an hour and finished a bottle of Shirz.

It's now time to put the managers hat on and make some difficult calls...

I organise glaziers and security to fix and patrol.

I cruise in to town via taxi.

Glass is everywhere.

Someone has been inside my store and stolen shit.

I am thinking of bullets, Knives, Throats and Chests...

Someone has invaded my retail operation with complete disregard.

They must die.

Yes, they must.

Two years of hard work screwed up in a minute. Not completely however, but screwed none the less

My hatred of Percentages

So, I have this promotion right, it is supposed to be massive, draw in millions and save my lacking GP dollar budget from oblivion.

Here is the plan, make a massive statement of product, I'm talking gargantuan status here, massive signage - wicked deal, lots of people in town at the moment so its all good.

I check my sales versus last year.

300% up! Holy crap - that's awesome, hang on. I sold three last year.

That's one after two and one before four.

Three.

It's a start I guess but I was looking for massiveness.

So whats the problem? The macro environmental factors illustrate a trading environment indicative of low spend and high turnover. The environment is also skewed by a massive influx of cruise ships, thus the traditional market is somewhat flat.

Was the promotion geared toward the traditional segmentation?

Yes.

Can it be changed for these new customers?

Possibly.

The promotion centers around multi-packs, these new customers with their low spend are more geared towards single items.

Bugger.

I need to either a) persevere, b) really rethink the situation (promotion), or c) create another promotion geared towards these newbies.

Senior management have issued a plan to increase the "quality" content of product in an attempt to increase (entice) our non-traditional market in to our stores, the reality is however, that these new markets are driven (at the moment) by price, as the exchange rate is crazy for our beautiful green country.

It's a conflict in reality - cheap in the front to bring people in? or maintain a quality befitting a store with a very different focus?

My store is large,500 sqm. One thought was to cut it in half and keep the old part for traditional markets and new part for the new markets. Not a bad idea but one that I'll need to revisit.

Have a good one.