Staff Issues 1: The employee with smelly feet

I had to deal with this today.

Background

A key senior staff member, employed for more than ten years. Male. Hard worker. Funky funky feet. We'll call this guy, Jason.

Current Situation

Jason is working in one of the departments that is fairly physically demanding. He is liked by all staff, sometimes he is irate, but all-in-all well liked. Staff have been complaining about Jason's funky foot smell. You (the manager) are aware that Jason comes in to direct contact with many customers, and that the funky foot smell which is worse than a males-three-day-old-boxer-crotch-smell is not something easily disguised. Staff are complaining and you can see the look on customers faces. What are YOU going to do?

Planned Methodology

1. One-on-one meeting, make it seem like a random meeting
2. Prepare some bullshit banter as an opener
3. Concentrate on the soloution
4. Reinforce with positiveness
5. Keep it informal, keep it off the record
6. Try not to think that the person in front of you has funky feet

The Proceedings

"Hey Jason, thanks for seeing me today, how is everything going?"

Jason cringes and sinks lower in to his chair.

"Um, yeah it's ok... what have I done?"

"Nothing man, I just wanted to catch up and have a word with you about what's happening"

"What is happening? What have I done?"

"No no no, I just wanted to have a talk that's all"

"It's my sales isn't it, I'm not doing enough - I know this, I've been trying to get stock out and I just wanted to make sure everything was good on the floor"

"..ok" (Fuck!)

-Jason is now shitting himself about his performance-

"Actually Jason, I need to talk to you about a small issue"

"You are going to fire me aren't you"

"No, not at all"

"Well, it smells like that"

-pause-

"Jason, this is not easy to say, but i think that it is easily correctable."

"What is it?"

"Jason, are you aware that your feet smell strongly?"

-silence-

"No" "Well actually, I thought that they might" "I can't smell it though"

"Well the issue is that customers can smell them too"

"Oh"

"No problem, this is easy to fix"

"Um, really?"

"Yes, besides, I would like to be told straight up personally If I was in your position"

"Ok"

I proceed to provide Jason with some options on fixing his funky feet problem. He agrees and apologies, which is not necessary.

"So, do any staff know?"

-pause-

"Of course not... I thought I'd just let you know"

"Cheers"

"No problem"

Soloution

Jason will change his brand of sock to a natural fibre versus a synthetic fibre. He has also agreed to change his inner-souls to a sheepskin variety which naturally allow feet to breathe and thus not promote foot sweat. The instigator of foot funkiness.

Yes I lied to him and said no one else knows of that cheesy crotch funk that surrounds his feet. No one will say anything to him, it is an unpleasant subject. Some lies are ok for the greater good.

Naughty Vendors

I have had an interesting week with vendors.

The following are my top 10 - "No No" things to do for vendors...

1. Hard sells on products that are clearly shit products.

2. Playing product police and criticising their competition.

3. Telling lies about how happy other group stores are doing with products.

4. Telling me that you'll support me with products and then fucking off.

5. Asking other staff questions about me but not having the balls to ask yourself.

6. Criticising sales in my store but having no ideas of your own that are proactive.

7. Thinking now, now, now and not long-term.

8. Looking in another direction or avoiding eye contact when you need to be looking me in the eye - "What are you hiding asshole?".

9. Turning up early/late for your appointment.

10. Having no idea about my current market segmentation.

Naughtyness.

One of THOSE days

Yesterday, I had one of those days.

The day before that I had prepared everything to do, even used my diary.

My focus was planned. Ready to go and gathering momentum.

I was actually looking forward to achieving a lot of tasks.

I'd even imagined myself completing those tasks.

I got to work nice and early on that day, staff greeted me as I walked in, customers were a plenty and smiling.

I walked in to my office and soon as I put my first foot inside, the shit hit the fan (splat splat splat).

And there she was... sitting in my seat looking at me with a smile that only she could manage to hold.

Her name was reality-chick.

I sighed internally, you know like when you hold a fart in and you get that "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" sound that you hope only you can hear.

Jokes aside...

The first thing I heard was not "hello", but...

"the vendor wont send us this stock because she said we haven't paid our bill"

"huh? no way...?"

Then as I am about to address the issue, another staff member comes in and tells me that another vendor is angry with me for not changing a price on their stock.

The phone rings.

I choose to ignore everything and sort the non-payment issue out.

The phone is still ringing.

After what looked like a simple mis-communication issue, the angry-stock-refusing-vendor is sweet. We have stock. But not until next week because they sent our original order to someone else who pays their bills. Or has better communication.

The phone is still ringing. (Give up motherfucker!)

The angry vendor story is now being passed around everyone in the office like one of those stupid movies where the evil spirit passes through people by touch.

There is a tap on my back, the builders have turned up. Joyous, praise the lord!.

Now these guys have no legs, I kid you not.

They can do the job but in a wheelchair. Sweet as.

They are going to build around the PABX system and need to unplug bits and pieces. Joyous, praise the lord!.

My entire company is attached to the PABX system.
They have saws. Big ones.

At this stage I turn the ringer on my phone off.

I sort the builders out, cruise to the shop floor and check out the pricing issue that the vendor has raised. By this time, even customers are talking about the angry vendor.

I check the stock, yep, it's at the old price.

A quick word to the buyer and everything is good. He goes about sorting this out.

The boss walks in, well one of them, he has started extending his right arm when he sees me and shouts "How are you!" to me.

Right arm extension huh. Nice one.

He always comes downstairs to tell me that he is going upstairs, I have not yet managed to unravel this strange behaviour. He has also started calling me "Mate", and swearing in front of me.

Brother, we be down, we be down.

He leaves and goes... you guessed it, upstairs.

I am paged on the intercom, I have a phone call.

By days end, I am a tattered retail manager hanging my head in uncertainty.

Hopefully tomorrow is better!

New Management Model: The Power of control, The Power of influence

This is something that I have wanted to do for awhile.

We have an in-house training program similar to other organisations.

Sales focused and interlaced with "without you the typewriter is fucked and don't work" kind of conjecture.

(because you're the key that's missing)

Shut up.

Anyways, I've often thought that organisations need to really rethink their traditional segregated views of people in organisations.

Let me give you an example...

My name is (Grieg/Paula) Devon, I am the Managing Director of a technology firm.

Your name is (Bruce/Wendy) Johnston, you are sales person in my organisation.

Our mission is as follows, "To be the best technology firm in Australasia".

I manage the firm, you work in the firm.

I give direction to the organisation, you take the organisation there.

I work on a plan to gain market share, you make the plan happen.

I lead the leaders of my firm, you follow the people I teach.

We are both working towards fruition of the same mission statement.

"To be the best technology firm in Australasia".

I make a million per year and so do you. But I keep mine. You give yours to me.

Context set.

Now, in these in-house training things, you have a triangle, it has three sections. The pointy bit at the top is the prick who makes a million bucks. The bit in the middle are the ones who manage the firm, and big trapezoid like bit at the bottom are the sales people.

This illustrates the traditional hierarchy of organisations, called a vertical structure.

The prick at the top has total control of all below, the big trapezoid people have 'no' influence on those above.

Dynamic Number 1

Turn the triangle upside down.

This now makes no sense, it would show that the big trapezoid people have the influence.

The prick at the top is now at the bottom.

If we look at this as not a hierarchy, but as an illustration of influence on customers, this model stands true.

Let me give you an example: A long long time ago in a very different job, I told a customer to "fuck off", and then called him a "cunt" in front of his wife.

At the time I was angry and in all honesty it was a silly thing to do. I felt really good about it though. Unfortunately, there were around seven other customers standing next to this guy, who all heard what I had said.

Impression of company formed, solidified, packaged and ready for delivery.

No other customer really wanted to be a part of my world at that moment.


If we look at the inverted triangle as a sphere (but it's not) of influence, understand that customers are everywhere around the triangle, we can see that the greatest amount of area touching the outside of the triangle is the section designated as the trapezoidal sales people.

As a sales person, you can screw an organisations image in a second. That kind of damage can take a long time for recovery.

So what do we have now?

One upright triangle and one inverted triangle.

One shows how organisations are traditionally managed with the prick at the top.

The other shows the influence on an organisation from the perspective of customers, with the sales people at the top.

So what does this mean?

Dynamic Number 2

Next to the inverted triangle we put another triangle, this time with a view from above.

On all three sides of the view from above triangle there are the sales people

In the middle of the triangle are the managers, and right on top is the prick.

Here is an illustration of the true influence of all internal stakeholders within an organisation in regards to customers.

This shows that the prick at thetop can exert his / her influence mainly on managers, as they are closest to him / her, however, his / her influence on customers is minimal if any.

Managers can exert their influence on sales people, as they are in direct contact with them. they can also exert influence on the prick, as they too have direct contact with them.

The sales people interface directly with the customer and have the greatest effect on them, they also have the ability to exert influence on managers.

Sales people in general have little influence on the prick at the top.

Conclusion

The greatest interface between the customer and the organisation are the sales people. Sales people can provide strategic information to management. Management need to listen. Sales people need a way of communicating. A sales person can severely disable an organisation and in the mind of the customer, the sales person represents organisation in its entirety. Managers have the power to provide information to the prick at the top, if they are listening. Managers need to provide complete feedback ant become gatekeepers, thus, halting the flow of feedback. The prick at the top needs to listen to his / her managers and accept both positive and negative feedback. He / She needs to facilitate this practice with his / her managers. The prick at the top will never succeed in enacting his / her vision if his / her managers do not support and promulgate this vision to their teams at the fore front of the battle.

That's it.

Done.

Word Jousts

Flummoxed
Meaning: Bewildered
Example: "You look flummoxed me old mate!" (haha - in-house joke)
Real Meaning: "I hate my job, someone end my misery"
Real Meaning 2: "Is it beer o'clock yet?"

Unasinous
Meaning: Being equally stupid
Example: Your unasinous response to my question proves your level of stupidity
Real Meaning: You really are a thick twit
Real Meaning 2: Burger King is looking for staff

Unasinous
Meaning: Being equally stupid
Example: Your unasinous response to my question proves your level of stupidity
Real Meaning: You really are a thick twit
Real Meaning 2: Burger King is looking for staff

Unasinous
Meaning: Being equally stupid
Example: Your unasinous response to my question proves your level of stupidity
Real Meaning: You really are a thick twit
Real Meaning 2: Burger King is looking for staff

SPAMMED! You are a bastard!!!!

The scammer called me a bastard and effectively hung up on me.

Bugger.

There goes my fun.

These people are losers, if you get one of these do yourself a favour and ignore it.

For more information go here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advance_fee_fraud